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“Everyone has a dream—a perfect mate, a perfect family, a perfect life, ” said Peggy Birge, “No one plans for an abusive relationship. But when it happens, when those dreams are shattered, we are there for the victims. Ninety-five percent of the victims of domestic abuse are women.”

Birge, the Director of the Kibois C.A.F. Women’s Shelter, spoke to members of the Eastern Oklahoma State College Phi Beta Lambda business club on Wednesday, October 12, 2005.

“Domestic violence is a learned behavior, not a chemical imbalance,” Birge explained. “A person with a chemical imbalance abuses everyone and everything. They are out of control. Most abusers can control their anger. They are experts at anger management—they manage it throughout their difficult day. They control it at work, on the highway, in a store, everywhere. But when they get home, they take out all of their anger and frustrations on spouses and children. That’s when we step in.”

“We provide a safe, happy shelter from their abusers,” said Birge. “When someone comes into the shelter, we first offer 24-48 hours of peace. Many times they sleep, play with children, read a book, watch television, or just rest. Often we are providing the first sleep they have had in days.”

“Next comes a service plan. Counselors help the victim set three goals—one long-term and two short-term. A child advocate counsels the children and helps them set goals. Often the child’s goal is as simple as ‘I want to see mommy smile.’ Then we work on helping the victim gain self-esteem. Many times she has been told that she is dumb, stupid, too fat, too skinny. We work to assure her that no one deserves to be treated this way.”

“Many of our clients suffer from depression and anxiety. We work to help them realize their self-worth. They need to feel loved and have a sense of belonging. We provide that comfort in a safe environment,” Birge added. “Even though they are discouraged against it, many victims return home to their spouses. The average victim leaves her abuser 7-9 times before she leaves for good. We help them develop a safety plan—what to do if something happens. It may include a friend, relative, DHS worker—someone they can call if violence breaks out again.”

“How well do you know your partner?” Birge asked. “Whether you are dating, engaged, or married, it is important to know the warning signs. Does he look at you or act in ways that scare you? Does he control what you do, whom you see, and whom you talk to? Does he stop you from visiting with friends or family? Does he take your money and make you ask for money? Does he act like the abuse is your fault or it didn’t happen? Does he destroy property? Does he shove, hit, or restrain you?”

Once physical violence begins in a relationship, the violence almost always recurs, and it tends to be more frequent as time goes on. The patterns of violence are tension building phases, violent episodes, remorse, and apologies. There are also periods of calmness, and then the cycle repeats itself, each time escalating. It is important to think about what to do in case of another attack.

Domestic violence is the nation’s most under-reported violent crime. Each year millions of women, children, and men are victims of domestic and sexual violence. There are 28 women’s shelters in Oklahoma, with nine satellite offices. The Stigler women’s shelter serves Haskell, Latimer, Leflore, and Pittsburg counties. Their goal—to reduce and hopefully someday eliminate violence in homes through intervention and education. They provide shelter, education, advocacy and work to change the way society views domestic violence.

“You seek shelter from the storm,” Birge added. “Why not seek shelter from the abuse? Domestic violence is a crime!”

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. If you are or if you know someone who is a victim of domestic or sexual violence, report it. You may save a life.

Future Business Leaders of America–Phi Beta Lambda, Inc., is a national student vocational education association that prepares students for careers in business and business education. Membership is over 260,000 in 11,000 chapters across the United States and abroad. Future Business Leaders of America is the high school division; Phi Beta Lambda is the collegiate division.

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Peggy Birge, Director of the Kibois C.A.F. Women’s Shelter, is presented a certificate of appreciation by Eastern PBL sponsor Linda Morgan.